WAYT: This pretty penny is two-sided

Sometimes, celebrities are disgusting.  This story about former supermodel Linda Evangelista is making me sick.  I will give the woman a lot of credit for giving her son the fantastic name of Augustin.  I literally gasped when I read that because my Auggie’s given name is Augustin.  But the awesome baby name does not make up for her outrageous child support claims.  What is she thinking?????

How on earth could a child cost you $46,000 PER MONTH?  This is simply impossible.  Truly, I don’t believe that’s the real amount because it is so massive.  I’m trying to imagine a world where I could spend that much on my Auggie and no matter what outlandish, expensive thing I think about, I can’t conjure up a version of reality where life costs that much money. 

I spend maybe $1,000 per month on my son at this point in his life.  Let me break it down. 

Ø  Health insurance: $170

Ø  Daycare (based on 4 weeks in a month): $600

Ø  Diapers (based on one and a half boxes split between home and daycare): $30

Ø  Wipes: $5

Ø  Diaper Genie liner (a critical baby supply): $5

Ø  Water for bath, dishes and laundry: $20

Ø  Food (based on grocery bills and occasional meals outside of the home): $150

Ø  Clothes (I like to shop but it’s not always necessary so this is an average): $25

This list can’t possibly contain everything.  I suppose I could include the cost of the gas I use to take him to daycare and the cost of the occasional doctor bill.  And there are other incidentals that come up when the mood strikes, like portraits for a particular age milestone.   

But anyway, if I multiply that $1,000 per month by the 12 months in a calendar year, my Auggie costs me around $12,000 per year.  Compared to Augie Pinault (or whatever his last name may be), my Auggie is an orphan. 

Does Augie only wear clothes from Barney’s?  Perhaps he lives out his days in bowties.  Does Augie only eat caviar?  Certainly that can’t agree with his digestive system.  Is Linda planning to have to have every bathroom in her home retrofitted with a bidet so that Augie’s precious bottom can always be clean and shiny?  I’m reaching here, because I’m trying to imagine how this kid is so costly. 

Even if I took my Auggie on a Disney cruise every single month, we couldn’t possibly spend $46,000! 

I am, however, thoroughly insulted that anyone would accuse Linda Evangelista of suing for this much money to enrich herself.  This is the constant defense of men everywhere who don’t want to pay child support.  Their argument goes something like this: “If I give you my money so that you can put our kid in daycare, then you get to go to work and make more money.  How’s that fair to me?”  Of course, there are many variations on this theme.  I hear this on two of my favorite shows, Teen Mom and 16 and Pregnant, a lot.  And it’s SO backwards and so infuriating. 

Any woman who asks for child support is, first and foremost, asking for what is due of any man who is responsible for the existence of a child.  And secondly, that woman may end up making a profit if you’re paying her what she’s owed.  But I doubt that any part of receiving your money is going to make her feel enriched. 

I often try to imagine how single mothers (women like my mother when I was little) survive completely on their own.  When I’m alone with Auggie even for just an evening after work, I end the night feeling pretty tired and pretty alone.  It’s the highest high to spend that time with Auggie, just the two of us.  But it’s the lowest low to put him to bed and be all by myself with nothing but a bag of Oreos in hand and some reality TV to keep me company. 

Child support should neither be a means for you to spoil your child with an overly lavish lifestyle nor a means for others to look down their noses at you.  I feel sorry for the other Augie, the one who isn’t mine.  What kind of world view will he have?  He sure sounds spoiled!  But then again, his mother never has to wish that she could buy him a house complete with a toy storage shed and a fence for a puppy; she can simply DO IT, on command, because she is lucky enough to have more than enough money to accomplish her dream for her son.  On the other hand, I doubt Linda will be very happy seeing that mess of toys and dog poop in the yard.  I bet she’ll wish she had a man like Henri Pinault, except a version of Henri that loved her and Augie and helped clean up those toys and that dog poop. 

Money can’t keep you warm at night.  But a simple lifestyle that revolves around happiness can, and Linda will never be able to buy that for Augie; she’ll have to create it on her own because those stacks of cash won’t do the job for her. 

WAYT: Money Mistakes

How annoying is it to be in line behind the person at the grocery store who’s writing a check?  What are you thinking, check writer?  Swipe a card or hand over some cash and let’s all get a move on!  The milk’s getting warm!  Anyway, unless you’re getting the checks free from your bank (these days, I doubt it), you’re throwing money away on pieces of paper. 

In my opinion, checks should be used sparingly, only when absolutely necessary.  Who among us can afford to waste their money on anything extra these days?  What a silly expense. 

Every single year, I resolve that I’m going to do better at managing our money.  And every year I don’t.    In the last few years, we’ve incurred a lot of unexpected expenses.  Increased property taxes two years in a row and sewer installation - $2,500 just to agree to hook up.  (All I can do is wonder if I should own a horse and buggy, since we’re so backwards that our community never had a proper sewer system.) 

I am the Director of Finances in our house and for me, the job has a constant learning curve.  I know a lot of people are facing hard times so I hope my tips will help you think differently about your cash flow – and your check writing habits.

1. Set yourself an allowance.  While it sounds juvenile, it’s really helped us.  Frank and I agreed to an amount that works for us for each week and now as soon as we get paid, we literally pay ourselves.  Unexpected bonus perks: less transactions to balance and no more hounding Frank for receipts.  Also, neither one of us is scrutinizing what the other is spending their money on – mind your own business, it’s my allowance!

2. Keep a monthly log of our bills.  As soon as a bill comes in, I record its due date and the amount due.  This helps me decide when to pay what and I can see when my bills are going up.  Frontier is always trying to increase my bill on me.  I’ve learned that if you don’t pay meticulous attention, you’re getting ripped off when your cable, phone or internet provider ticks the cost up a few dollars this month and a few more dollars the next.  They think you won’t notice, so my log system helps me beat them at their own game. 

3. SAVE. I feel so impatient; I expect to see big changes in our account balances in no time and that’s just not how it works.  But since I started the allowance process, I’ve also started a saving process – because we have more money when we’re not spending it all the time – and I am so happy with what I’m seeing.  Also, I set up an automatic draft that squirrels away $10 of each paycheck.  While $5 a week seems like nothing, after one year, I’ll have nearly $300.  That’s $100 each for me, Frank and Auggie to buy Christmas gifts for one another, or it pays for the trip to Frank’s next marathon. 

4. I don’t carry my credit card with me.  It’s so easy to swipe that card and worry about paying for my purchase later.  Except that paying for it later just means I have less money later.  I am now constantly reassuring myself that I don’t need that card, that anything that comes up, even an “emergency,” will be covered by what’s in my checking.  Unless the emergency is a Lamborghini.  I definitely can’t afford that on my debit card.  No credit card means controlling my spending at all times.  That’s a good thing – no Lamborghinis. 

5. Oh, and don’t forget: I hardly use checks anymore!  About three per month.  It’s so liberating, especially because I hate waiting for checks to clear.

Oh, to be young again.  Frank and I were recently reminiscing on the days when we had an apartment in Pontiac with dirt cheap rent and we hardly had any other expenses and we were so happy because we never worried about money.  The last few years, all that we’ve done is worry about money.  No one prepares you for the reality of being an adult.  Sometimes, it’s truly no fun at all. 

To be responsible and grown up, you have to learn these things for yourself.  I’m not saying that what works for me will work for you.  But you have to think about it: what are your money weaknesses?  Do you have any awesome money tips?  I think the key is to just be honest with yourself.