WAYT: Kim's on notice

This column is so late to the Hate-Kim-Kardashian party, but it’s never too late to give an honest opinion.  Right?

Seriously, I want to hear from someone who isn’t sick of this fame whore.  Is there anyone out there?  But I also want to know, who even believes that she’s famous?  What has she done that is noteworthy?  Basically, she’s just like the other one percent of Americans with too much money and an overinflated sense of self and entitlement, except for some reason, she’s considered a celebrity. 

I used to respect Kim and even like her.  I used to think that she was a shrewd businesswoman, someone who found a way to get herself in the public eye and worked tirelessly to keep herself there.  But after she created that entire fiasco for Kris Humphries and left him in the smoking wreckage, I completely lost the respect that I had for her.  Now, I can’t even tolerate the sight of her. 

I love Khloe Kardashian.  She’s only marginally annoying and I believe that her life isn’t perfect because she never pretends that it is.  At least I feel like Khloe is always telling the truth.  Her show Khloe and Lamar shows her and her husband fighting over the things rich people fight about – how much of their money to give away to freeloading friends.  It’s a real revelation. 

But Kim?  She has tantrums over earrings lost in the ocean.  My son can’t throw a tantrum to rival Kim and her whining and crying, and he’s a year and a half.  You’d think he could compete but I promise you that he can’t.  Kim is always so overly made up and so overly dressed that her desperation is constantly in evidence.  And now this fling with Kanye?  If you liked her with Reggie Bush, you were on the right track.  If you felt sorry for Kris, you were dead right.  And if you truly hate her for dating Kanye, you are my best friend. 

(I must note, however, that I love Kanye’s music.  Full disclosure.)

Is there no low that she won’t sink to?  Suing Old Navy for hiring a model who resembled her?  Wow, get over yourself.  A clothing line at Sears?  I had no idea that Sears was worth shopping at unless you wanted a lawn mower.  And the things that I’ve heard were shown in that sex tape that made her “famous”… maybe the girl is honestly a few crayons short of the full box. 

I don’t even like Kris Humphries.  Everything about the guy screams, “Idiot!”  But he didn’t deserve to be chewed up and spit out the way he was.  Has Kim given a single reason why she duped – oops, I meant dumped – the guy?  No.  That’s because she found a guy with some money, but not too much money, who was dumb enough to start following her around and she ran with the opportunity until one day, when she woke up with the guy still in her face, she realized she took the whole game too far for even her own liking.  That’s not a reason.  That’s a game she had no right to play. 

So let me ask again, is there anyone who isn’t sick of this pseudo-celebrity?  What are you thinking every single time you see her smoky eyes, little black dresses and red-heeled stilettos?  I’m thinking, I wish all that eye makeup was toxic, just this once. 

WAYT: Can John Edwards turn over a new leaf?

I hope that Elizabeth Edwards has been taking an extended, exclusive, secret vacation in Heaven.  After reading this story and following John Edwards’ trial in the news, I wish her all the peace in Heaven that she surely never found during her last few years on this Earth. 

If the cancer hadn’t killed her, being married to John Edwards would have.  I want to say that I feel sorry for Elizabeth, or say that I pity her for being saddled with such a sorry piece of work as John Edwards.  But I don’t want to say either of those things about her.  She would hate that, and I respect her too much to feel anything for her that would lower her in my esteem.  She only deserves to be raised up and applauded for living that painful remainder of her life with dignity and grace. 

John Edwards is the perfect example of the rule of law.  Rule of law, for the unfamiliar, is rule by law, which means that government officials, even though they make the laws, are not above the laws.  In fact, they are equally subject under the law as any ordinary citizen.  John Edwards, in his ego-maniacal fantasy land, believed that he could get away with not only carrying on an affair with a staff member, but also believed that he could secretly father a child and then pass it off on someone else through public grandstanding and private lies.  Oh, and he allegedly thought that he could use campaign money to pay for the whole sordid mess. 

What a joke!  What was he thinking?  Honestly, did he think he could get away with that mountain of lies?  You can only pile that crap up so far and it crumbles down in a landslide.  Idiot. 

Today is John Edwards’ judgment day.  In his life, he’s faced many judgment days – when he ran for office, when he admitted to his wife how he’d betrayed their marriage vows, when his wife filed for legal separation from his pathetic behind.  But this will be the final nail in his coffin.  Though perhaps the jury will not find him guilty, or maybe they’ll only find him partially guilty.  Either way, after the jury renders its decision, the public’s perception of John Edwards will change once again. 

I used to like John Edwards.  He was popular in national politics at a point in my life when I probably based “liking” him on his sweeping hair line and sparkly blue-eyed smile.  Now I look at that face and all I see is smarm.  It makes my stomach turn a little. 

The problem with John Edwards is that his wife became a saint.  Elizabeth endured her initial battle with cancer out on the campaign trail, and then when the cancer got worse, she endured a public scandal and complete humiliation at the hands of her supposedly loving husband.  The guy actually renewed his vows with her all while carrying the affair in his back pocket. 

Anyway, John Edwards’ sleaze-bag reputation might not seem quite so sleazy if Elizabeth hadn’t been such a classy lady.  Maybe if she was tough as nails like Hillary Clinton, we wouldn’t be tempted to pity Elizabeth. 

In any event, after this verdict is decided, John Edwards will surely retreat into a private life, one that is defined by media silence and little to no public exposure.  There must be nothing more that he can say or do, right?  If he knew what was good for him, he would dig into his own psyche with a good therapist, learn how to be a good father to his remaining young ones – including the one he tried to deny – and hope that someday, he can be loved by his children for the man he could become, if he set his mind to it. 

I don’t want to hate someone like John Edwards who has so much potential.  In fact, in life, it’s better to continually try to find the silver lining in everyone and everything.  It makes every day easier, if you can find one way to enjoy it, some bright light that improves the bad stuff. 

I truly hope that John Edwards can find it within himself to clear away the past and start over.  That may be the only way that he can redeem himself with his Maker, the Big Guy who undoubtedly had nothing but warm, welcoming arms for John’s wife Elizabeth.  In the end, John was still married to her.  He owes it to Elizabeth to do better, from this day forward. 

WAYT: This pretty penny is two-sided

Sometimes, celebrities are disgusting.  This story about former supermodel Linda Evangelista is making me sick.  I will give the woman a lot of credit for giving her son the fantastic name of Augustin.  I literally gasped when I read that because my Auggie’s given name is Augustin.  But the awesome baby name does not make up for her outrageous child support claims.  What is she thinking?????

How on earth could a child cost you $46,000 PER MONTH?  This is simply impossible.  Truly, I don’t believe that’s the real amount because it is so massive.  I’m trying to imagine a world where I could spend that much on my Auggie and no matter what outlandish, expensive thing I think about, I can’t conjure up a version of reality where life costs that much money. 

I spend maybe $1,000 per month on my son at this point in his life.  Let me break it down. 

Ø  Health insurance: $170

Ø  Daycare (based on 4 weeks in a month): $600

Ø  Diapers (based on one and a half boxes split between home and daycare): $30

Ø  Wipes: $5

Ø  Diaper Genie liner (a critical baby supply): $5

Ø  Water for bath, dishes and laundry: $20

Ø  Food (based on grocery bills and occasional meals outside of the home): $150

Ø  Clothes (I like to shop but it’s not always necessary so this is an average): $25

This list can’t possibly contain everything.  I suppose I could include the cost of the gas I use to take him to daycare and the cost of the occasional doctor bill.  And there are other incidentals that come up when the mood strikes, like portraits for a particular age milestone.   

But anyway, if I multiply that $1,000 per month by the 12 months in a calendar year, my Auggie costs me around $12,000 per year.  Compared to Augie Pinault (or whatever his last name may be), my Auggie is an orphan. 

Does Augie only wear clothes from Barney’s?  Perhaps he lives out his days in bowties.  Does Augie only eat caviar?  Certainly that can’t agree with his digestive system.  Is Linda planning to have to have every bathroom in her home retrofitted with a bidet so that Augie’s precious bottom can always be clean and shiny?  I’m reaching here, because I’m trying to imagine how this kid is so costly. 

Even if I took my Auggie on a Disney cruise every single month, we couldn’t possibly spend $46,000! 

I am, however, thoroughly insulted that anyone would accuse Linda Evangelista of suing for this much money to enrich herself.  This is the constant defense of men everywhere who don’t want to pay child support.  Their argument goes something like this: “If I give you my money so that you can put our kid in daycare, then you get to go to work and make more money.  How’s that fair to me?”  Of course, there are many variations on this theme.  I hear this on two of my favorite shows, Teen Mom and 16 and Pregnant, a lot.  And it’s SO backwards and so infuriating. 

Any woman who asks for child support is, first and foremost, asking for what is due of any man who is responsible for the existence of a child.  And secondly, that woman may end up making a profit if you’re paying her what she’s owed.  But I doubt that any part of receiving your money is going to make her feel enriched. 

I often try to imagine how single mothers (women like my mother when I was little) survive completely on their own.  When I’m alone with Auggie even for just an evening after work, I end the night feeling pretty tired and pretty alone.  It’s the highest high to spend that time with Auggie, just the two of us.  But it’s the lowest low to put him to bed and be all by myself with nothing but a bag of Oreos in hand and some reality TV to keep me company. 

Child support should neither be a means for you to spoil your child with an overly lavish lifestyle nor a means for others to look down their noses at you.  I feel sorry for the other Augie, the one who isn’t mine.  What kind of world view will he have?  He sure sounds spoiled!  But then again, his mother never has to wish that she could buy him a house complete with a toy storage shed and a fence for a puppy; she can simply DO IT, on command, because she is lucky enough to have more than enough money to accomplish her dream for her son.  On the other hand, I doubt Linda will be very happy seeing that mess of toys and dog poop in the yard.  I bet she’ll wish she had a man like Henri Pinault, except a version of Henri that loved her and Augie and helped clean up those toys and that dog poop. 

Money can’t keep you warm at night.  But a simple lifestyle that revolves around happiness can, and Linda will never be able to buy that for Augie; she’ll have to create it on her own because those stacks of cash won’t do the job for her. 

WAYT: Reality check from a comic book blockbuster

The movie Iron Man changed my husband.  Ever since he saw that movie, superheroes became his thing.  (Parenthetically, I’d like to complain.  You’d think that he’d have a little more understanding about my Twilight mania, in light of his Iron Man mania, but no.  One way street, my friends – quintessential hypocrisy.)   

Frank went a little fan-boy over The Avengers this weekend.  He wore his Avengers t-shirt to the show and lamented that I hadn’t worn a Black Widow leotard.  We purchased the tickets online, in advance, so that we wouldn’t find ourselves sold out.  He even made sure to visit the restroom BEFORE the movie started so that he wouldn’t miss one single second.  Honestly, I was just glad to be a part of it with him, because there’s nothing I love more than to hang with Frank doing stuff that he loves. 

I was excited to see the movie too.  I enjoyed each of the Marvel movies leading up to The Avengers.  I liked both Iron Man films.  Thor was awesome, aside from the pedantic romantic melodrama.  Chris Hemsworth is so right for that role, it’s like he was born for it.  Captain America was pitch perfect, considering the historical references required in its story, and the special effects that made hunky Chris Evans a puny human were well done.  Going into The Avengers, I had not seen an Incredible Hulk movie but I figured I’d be fine since those movies weren’t major successes. 

I liked The Avengers a lot.  Tony Stark, Iron Man’s alter-ego, is a walking one-liner and in his presence, the rest of the crew follows suit.  I am still laughing about Iron Man calling Thor “Shakespeare in the Park.”  And I love Jeremy Renner so I was glad to see him in a big movie.  None of the effects looked cheap or cheesy and there wasn’t much that I’d change about the characters or the plot.         

But no movie is perfect.  My 180 take on this mega-blockbuster is twofold.  First, what are you thinking, Motion Picture Association of America, rating The Avengers PG-13?  It’s no secret that the plot revolves around the threat of an alien invasion.  When the aliens invade, they literally crash into people, implying that the bystanders are killed on impact.  Within seconds, hundreds of people are murdered.  And here I am, sitting in my theater seat next to at least five children under the age of ten.  The Avengers earned its PG-13 tag due to “intense sequences of sci-fi violence and action throughout, and a mild drug reference.”  These red flags make sense as descriptors of the objectionable content, but a PG-13 rating seemed a little laissez faire to me. 

Secondly, not to be completely melodramatic and take a movie (entertainment!) to a dark and totally unnecessary place, but as the alien battle raged on and a nuclear missile was engaged, I couldn’t help but feel a little terrified for myself and the tiny children around me.  Here we are laughing at Hulk smashing New York City to pieces while what we’re seeing is completely possible.  Sure, aliens might not exist and the exact plot of The Avengers may never happen to us.  But the entire film felt too immediately relevant.  I wonder if anyone else felt that way?  Just like in The Avengers, our reality is governed by a handful of select people who have access to technology that could kill us ALL at any given moment.  That’s heavy stuff and every now and then, when I hear the latest headline about Iran or Pakistan, I stop for a moment to think about the fact that if one powerful person got really belligerent, everything that I know could be gone.  Blink of an eye.  World over.

No, I’m sure I’m the only person who thought about the real life possibilities.  I’m a little too world weary, a little too jaded about international relations.  I bet Robert Downey Jr. would punch me for taking this movie so seriously.  But, if only the Avenger team was real.  We could really use them!

Then again, Frank once told me that I reminded him of the Incredible Hulk, just that I didn’t have the purple sweatpants.  He said that I get all rage-y and turn green.  (By the way, how is it possible that Mark Ruffalo’s pants still fit him when he went Hulk, but when he landed in a pile of rubble, human again, he had no pants?  Serious movie gaffe right there.)  So if the Avengers need to unite, I can take over at least one role.  Sleep well, citizens.  Hulk smash. 

WAYT: Almost road rage

I have serious impatience when I’m driving.  I get to work half an hour early every day (and leave half an hour early every day) because I cannot stand to drive in the work traffic.  I can’t even explain to you how much I need people to follow the rules of the road. 

I don’t consider myself an expert but there are certain things that everyone should do when they’re driving that it seems NO ONE does when I’m out and about.  Please, at the very least, follow these six simple rules and I won’t have to suffer from high blood pressure or honk at you for five minutes or give you the middle finger. 

1.  Drive in the right lane unless you are passing.  This is more than a courtesy.  It’s an actual law.  I used to work for someone who helped to pass this law in Illinois.  Once, I was driving him somewhere and I was using the wrong lane.  This was the first time I was made aware of this law and ever since, I have followed it and not just because I got in trouble.  I follow it because it makes good sense and because it is courteous to stay out of the way.  Furthermore, if you’re going to be turning left in three miles, you can get over into the left lane shortly before you need to turn.  You don’t need to get over so far in advance before your turn that you’re backing everyone else up while you drive along thinking about no one but yourself.

2.  Do not drive so slowly that you are endangering the lives of yourself and everyone around you.  This is a huge peeve.  If you’re driving 40 in a 55, you are going to get yourself killed.  If you are elderly and you feel unsafe driving at the speed limit (or within 5 miles per hour of the speed limit), please get in touch with me.  I will gladly accept paid offers to drive the aged and infirm wherever they need to go.  Seriously.  Public service AND public safety are that important to me. 

3.  Navigate into the closest lane when you are turning.  You can’t just go swinging your car into whatever lane you like.  This is especially important when other cars are allowed to turn at the same time that you are turning.  Everyone can do their driving at the same time if everyone turns into the appropriate lane!  It’s like magic – it’s almost like the people who designed the rules were thinking about easy flow of traffic when they dreamed up this one.  So get with the program!

4.  Slow down to the speed limit or less when driving in a construction zone.  I just received an email from my father-in-law informing me of the new cameras that will automatically send you a ticket when they record you speeding in a construction zone.  Those signs about killing construction workers should be enough to slow you down.  But apparently, for most drivers, vehicular homicide isn’t enough incentive.  The fact is, if you’re speeding in a construction zone and you hit a giant sand-filled cone, a stray piece of equipment, a big chunk of the road or a giant pot hole, your car – and maybe you – will be dead.  I’m all for moving along at the correct speed but this is one place where I will always slow down.  And if you want to tailgate me and curse me, feel free, but I will speed up for no one in a construction zone. 

5.  Leave your dog at home, or strap him down.  Legislators can pass all the laws they want to ban texting or talking on the phone while driving, but I want to know why no one is talking about every other person’s dog running loose in the car.  Every car I pass has a dog hopping around in it.  Before you leave the house with your dog, please consider the fact that if your dog is not wearing a safety restraint, he will die if you crash.  Also, your dog will get both of you killed when he jumps up and licks you in the eye when the light turns yellow.  I love to see a cute dog, but I especially love to see a happy dog safely in the back seat hanging his tongue out the window and not distracting you while you’re operating a (potential) one ton death machine. 

6.  Teach new drivers REALITY-BASED driving skills.  I cannot tell you how many times I have come up behind a “Student Driver” that is going at least 15 miles per hour under the speed limit.  Why are instructors teaching them this?  What are they thinking?  Do these teachers realize that all they are doing is creating a complex in these kids?  While the students putz around in this embarrassing marked car, getting honked at and passed at Mach speeds, they feel embarrassed and irritated at you for giving them a bad driving lesson.  The first thing they are going to want to do when they are behind the wheel by themselves is open it up on a country road and just fly.  Just tell the kids that it’s okay to drive the speed limit.  It’s even okay to push that limit.  The main thing any new driver needs to know is to be aware and protect yourself.  Watch for slow drivers, get over for emergency vehicles every time, slow down for speed zones – but do not watch yourself get smashed by the idiot driving 80 in a 55 because your teacher told you to go slow.  Tell these kids the truth!

I’m sure that many of you have irritations when you are driving.  What are your rules of the road?  What do you think of puppy passengers?  I’m seriously considering writing to my legislator and asking him what can be done about that.  Stay tuned!