Good grief

I’ve had a struggle convincing myself to post anything to the blog this week.  I wrote half a post about John Edwards and then I wrote a post about Kim Kardashian and then I just left them both in my files without posting them. 

I have nothing to complain about.  Overall, I have a pretty good life.  But this week I’ve been thinking of my close friend who lost someone so important to her.  The person she lost isn’t someone that it hurts me to lose, except that it hurts my friend so deeply that her pain makes my heart ache with hers.  There’s nothing I can say to fix this for her, and I’m desperate to just fix it.  There’s not much that I can do to make it better.  I wish more than anything that I could erase this last week for her and her family and the person that was lost to all of us. 

Recently I experienced a similar writing block.  My cousin’s fiancé lost someone important to her too.  Again, this isn’t a person that it hurt me to lose but it hurt them so much.  My cousin and his fiancé are at a crucial point in their young lives and a loss like the one they experienced hurts worse now than maybe it could have at any other time.  Then again, maybe it would hurt them exactly the same no matter what.  But the circumstances just crushed me as I stood back at a safe distance. 

I guess the real trouble for me is that when I try to put myself in the shoes of my loved ones, I can’t bear it.  I don’t know how they get out of bed in the morning, how they don’t ask themselves the most crippling existential questions over and over again, how they don’t doubt every single thing they were ever promised in life. 

But now I realize how they did it: FAITH.  I’m not trying to get religious; I don’t necessarily mean faith in God.  I mean, simply, faith in life, faith in the act of living and breathing.  Faith that tomorrow isn’t promised but if we don’t have the strength to get through today, we’ll never see tomorrow.  Just one more breath, in and out, leads to the next breath, in and out, and it’s not okay but it’s bearable.  Livable. 

And despite the excruciating fact that these two are lost to all of us, I truly believe that it’s enough for each of them to have existed and to have touched the lives of my friend, cousin and future cousin.  Sharing even one fleeting moment with someone else is enough because it’s another lesson learned, another breath of life, no matter whether it ends in heartbreak or happiness. 

I wish I knew something more to say than, “I’m sorry.”  I am sorry, truly sorry, to see anyone suffer the pain of loss, to see anyone taken from us too soon.  I want to say so much more in that moment when I hold my friend in my arms.  Hopefully my loved ones feel my love surrounding them, hopefully they can let go of what they feel for those few seconds and hold onto me and allow me to absorb their pain.  I would take it all if I could. 

The beauty of all of this loss, for me, is that the ones that I love are still here.  For now.  It’s enough for me to breathe and breathe again and with each breath reassure myself that soon I’ll see each of them again.  It’s enough for me to selfishly take tomorrow for granted because we’re all here today.  As long as I hold onto faith, basic human faith, I can put off tomorrow and whatever it may hold in store. 

The biggest lesson I’ve learned from all of this is that there’s nothing that can show you the effect of community than when you support a friend in their grief.  I showed up at the first visitation and ran into my friend’s dad.  Then I saw my friend’s dad at his son’s visitation.  In all of this, the most important thing that’s come to light is that you never know how far you’ve reached until you can walk into something sad and heavy like that and come out feeling that there’s still light for all of us to share.  There’s still clean air, there’s still hope. 

I’ll never give up this faith, so long as I live and breathe. 

WAYT: She's a fighter, we already know that

I had a thought this weekend and wanted to share it with you, my readers, to see what you think.  Do you believe that some entertainers have crossed over into a parody of themselves?  The example I came up with this weekend was actor Johnny Depp.  He used to be enigmatic, in all kinds of movie roles that kept you guessing.  Now, suddenly, he’s in almost exclusively Tim Burton films, he’s typically over-costumed and generally weird.  What’s up with that? 

I wonder about Christina Aguilera.  I was all set to write a stinging defense of her because I love her fiercely.  Maybe I still will.  Let’s talk through this.

I am obsessed with The Voice.  I had never watched it before this season but compared to American Idol, The Voice is leaps and bounds ahead of other reality TV singing competitions.  The contestants get to sing whatever they want so that they can repeatedly blow us away (no silly theme nights) and Carson Daly is so enthusiastic, you’d think it was his kids performing up there, and the coaches have such interesting banter that they’re a show all their own. 

Anyway, I grew up with Christina so my fondness for her was part of what brought me to the The Voice.  I remember my friends and me, before we were licensed and had nothing better to do, would call in to the radio station to request “Genie in a Bottle” over and over again.  I have owned all of her CDs since then.  She did innocent, bridged over into edgy, got a little skanky but cleaned it all up with that 1920’s pin-up album.  I don’t care what anyone says because, bottom line, you cannot deny her voice.  Truly, there’s no one better. 

Of course no one likes that she’s put on weight.  It really wouldn’t be such an issue for the public if she wasn’t still wearing the same clothes she wore when she was thinner.  For her performance last night on The Voice, for example, she could have worn actual shorts rather than glorified underwear, or even pants.  But no, she still wore the little tiny hot pants.  I thought she looked uncomfortable.  And she’s always SO made up.  Kudos for going glam but sometimes she needs to ask her makeup people to use a lighter hand!

You can’t fault the girl for having limitless self-esteem and self-assurance.  She knows that her voice is undeniable.  The rest should not matter.  And I would bet that’s her self-affirmation, every day when she looks in the mirror.  Cake on the makeup, shorten the shorts, who cares.  She can sing like no one else. 

But is Christina a parody of herself, clinging to this former notion of herself as a tiny, tiny person who can wear basically nothing?  Shouldn’t her style evolve?  She’s a mother, she’s divorced now.  Maybe her image should do a little growing up.  Is she a parody of herself, trying to go back to strictly pop albums as she did with her recent flop just before she started The Voice?  Should she do something more impactful?  Maybe she shouldn’t joke with Blake Shelton and his contestant Raelynn; maybe Christina should try a country album.  “Crossover” albums are all the rage these days!

Britney Spears fell right into the parody trap.  She kept on going, with her recording-studio-engineered voice and provocative pop performances in no clothes, and eventually, it all came crashing down on her.  She’s made a comeback of sorts, but it’s never going to succeed as long as she keeps trotting out the same old thing.  At some point, you have to try something different, do something that catches everyone’s attention once again.  And it’s not making out with Madonna on the VMAs.  That’s over.

And maybe no one likes Christina because she’s not afraid to give criticism on The Voice.  She’s not Paula Abdul or Jennifer Lopez, determined to be sunny no matter how bad the performance.  Sometimes she hesitates or rambles on before she gets down to brass tacks, but eventually she says exactly what she thinks.  Christina’s not afraid to give her genuine opinion without sugar-coating the truth.  Most people can’t handle a woman who tells it like it is; believe me, I would know. 

I think that Christina will find commercial success again.  I can’t wait to hear her next album.  When, WHEN will it be released finally??  But what do you think about Christina?  Do you think she’s a gorgeous face, a misguided wardrobe but a beautiful voice?  Do you think she’s skanky and you don’t care about anything else? 

WAYT: Talk that talk, leave Ann out of it

I hate this debate about Ann Romney.  Any time women become the focus of discussion like this, it turns into feminist BS that, to me, is so outrageous and insulting that I can’t stand it.  We’re not moving forward when we have to fight over stuff like this. 

Hilary Rosen, a Democratic pundit, wants the world to know that Ann Romney has never worked a day in her life.  What is she thinking, bringing up this petty nonsense?

Uh, who cares?  Anybody?  Thanks for letting us know, Hilary.  Now shut up and go away. 

Ann Romney doesn’t have to work to earn my respect.  She gets my respect for signing up to be a politician’s wife.  Can you imagine what it must be like, day after day, following around someone like Mitt Romney?  She always has to be pressed and dressed, smiling and friendly.  She may have fancy dinners and she may have a stylist and make-up artist and personal assistants, but she’s still a person who has to deal with media scrutiny like this and much worse.  That’s work, hard work, whether she’s earning a paycheck or not.   

I WISH I had never worked a day in my life.  I wish I had never worked at JC Penney for years and years.  I wish that my main concerns in life would have been experimenting with my hair after school or reading more books just for fun.  I really can’t imagine doing any of that, and I honestly prefer to hold a job.  But I truly doubt that Ann’s life was so simple.  No one’s could be.    

I’m sure that Hilary Rosen started this discussion about Ann because Hilary wants to make Ann a factor in our voting decision come election day.  Hilary wants us to think that Ann is just another piece in the puzzle that makes up Mitt Romney: so filthy rich, so grossly out of touch, so privileged that there’s no way he could govern the United States in this day and age.  Hilary, let me assure you that Ann could never affect me in that way.  Ann’s stay-at-home status isn’t going to keep me from voting for her husband.  (He’s not getting my vote regardless.  Though he is a worthy candidate, I’ll give the Republicans credit there.)  Anyway, I was saying, no potential first lady has ever had an effect on who I cast my vote for on election day, nor will she ever.  Let’s be serious. 

(Funny that if I were voting for a woman for president, I feel like I would be really interested in who her husband is… when the shoe’s on the other foot…)

What really annoys me is these pundits who characterize Ann Romney’s work - raising her children - as a luxury when opposed to working any other way.  I doubt that Ann Romney sat down and said, “I’m never going to get a job.”  I bet it didn’t go down like that.  Furthermore, I doubt that, at the end of another luxurious day at home, when all her FIVE munchkins were in bed, Ann thought to herself, “I feel great!  I’m not the least bit tired, my knees feel great after playing on the floor all day and my back isn’t shot from carrying the kids around, I’m totally not hungry after feeding the children three-quarters of everything I intended to eat today, and I bet everyone at the grocery store thought I was a great mom when all the children were hanging onto my shirt whining endlessly over nothing of consequence.”  For real. 

And what effect does her not working have on her opinion of the economy?  I work every day and I’m sure I have barely a grasp on the economy.  Maybe Ann has so much money that she didn’t have to plan a budget to pay her bills.  Maybe she has so much money that she doesn’t pay her bills because maybe someone does ALL of that for her.  That would be luxury. 

I bet that Ann is a very smart woman.  I bet that she counts her blessings on her fingers and her toes and her kids’ fingers and toes.  We should all be so lucky.  I don’t envy her and I don’t begrudge her.  I would like to congratulate her for living a life that shines so brightly that she’s now the focus of all this big talk.  Unimportant people, people like me, will never make a splash like this.  Good for you, Ann. 

WAYT: Pay the piper

I just read this article about student loan debt.  Unlike Rick Santorum, I don’t think it’s snobbish for President Obama to want everyone to have a college education.  I think the President is being pragmatic.  In the United States today, those who aren’t unemployed are likely underemployed.  If you’re not experienced, educated and well-connected, you probably aren’t doing very well right now.  And President Obama wants to see us, as a nation and as individuals, succeed.  I can’t blame him for that. 

Obama has a few ideas about how to improve the government’s involvement in student loans.  I can’t tell him how to fix it or even if he’s on the right track.  But I can tell you, my readers, about the real dangers of student loan debt.  I don’t know about the effects of this debt on our economy and whether it truly is a threat to our overall recovery, but I can tell you about the effects of this debt on my economy and my family’s recovery. 

Frank and I attended Illinois College, a four-year, liberal arts institution.  It cost more to go there than Heartland Community College or Illinois State University and maybe even more than Illinois Wesleyan.  It wasn’t just the tuition – it never is!  It was also the housing, the meal plan, the travel back and forth (if you want to see your family) and the books.  In the end, we walked away with over $45,000 in debt.  Ouch.  What were we thinking??  (But we are geniuses.  At least we walked away with that too!) 

We are given ten years to pay this debt back.  We had three choices for repayment.  One was to pay the equally divided amount, to spread the payments out over ten years.  The next form of repayment was based on income.  Since we were unemployed at the time, that wasn’t going to work.  The last option was to pay gradually.  The payments would start low and then increase over ten years, operating under the assumption that we would make more money over time to afford the higher payments. 

My first job out of college paid a pittance.  But I owed what I owed so I made the decision to pay the equal amount and we set Frank’s up to be paid back in the same fashion.  I felt that was the most responsible philosophy. 

My biggest issue with our debt is the fact that no one warned me.  No one said, “If you borrow that much money, you will have to pay this much every month.”  What were they thinking – my mom, my high school counselors, the FAFSA people?  I could have gotten the same education anywhere.  Don’t get me wrong, Illinois College did a lot for me and I don’t want to sound ungrateful, but if I had known this would be my reality, I would have chosen differently. 

Furthermore, no one warned me that we would pay ridiculous interest on these loans.  I pay less interest on my two cars and my house COMBINED than I do on these loans.  And I can’t refinance them.  Trust me, I’ve asked a lot of people.  We’re stuck with over six percent interest for the life of these loans. 

And now Frank is going back to school.  He’s a great teacher and I’m so proud of his drive and determination to make the most impact and do the most good that he possibly can.  But now that the government is changing the rules, he can only receive the loans that charge you interest every single day you own them.  That makes the cost even higher. 

My baby sister, who at 18 is no longer a baby (I know, alright!), is getting ready to graduate high school and start college.  She considered Heartland but decided on ISU.  I am terrified for her.  I don’t want to tell her not to pursue her dreams but I can’t live with myself if I don’t warn her of how this debt will change her life.  I speak from experience when I say that our student loan debt is holding us back.  If we could keep that money that we pay every month, we would be different people. 

It’s not responsible these days to say that kids shouldn’t go to college.  Kids need to, they have to!  I’m looking at you, Rick Santorum.  What are you thinking?  Every kid isn’t cut out for college, that’s true, but to say that we should all skip college is snobbish of you!  My cousin is living a great life having learned a trade and I would never begrudge him of the choice he made.  I’m proud of him for knowing himself enough to make the right choice.  But there are so many things that hold us back and this student loan problem is a big obstacle when it shouldn’t be.  It’s really sad that some kids out there will have to choose between an education or a life of poverty – or an education with a life of poverty. 

So rather than calling names, Rick, Barack and Mitt – and every other politician – put yourself in my shoes, my sister’s, my husband’s.  One day I’ll have to have this talk with my son and give him the reality check I never got.  Please don’t make me break his heart.  Please find a way to help us succeed at life.