WAYT: I’m onto your mind games, social media!

I’ve been gone from this site for so long, it’s almost laughable that I’m writing now.  As usual, the naysayer Devil on my shoulder is cackling about it because he thinks no one has missed me.  It’s hard not to believe that he’s right, but I feel fairly certain that there are enough people who used to read this blog that surely they’ll be glad I’m back. 

And that is my problem these days.  Between Facebook, Twitter and the hits and comments on my blog pages, I seem to think that everyone is my friend.  Maybe I spend too much time conversing with the Devil on my shoulder exclusively, or maybe people are really my friends. 

I’ll never know, because Facebook, Twitter and comments are so faceless and without value, that in my heart of hearts, I know it’s all superficial.  It’s not real friendship.  (But is it????)

Case in point: I feel like I am best friends forever with Jack Morrissey and Sylvain Reynard.  Jack Morrissey is Bill Condon’s main squeeze.  Yes, you read that right – Bill Condon, as in, major Hollywood film director.  Sylvain Reynard is the millionaire author of these books that I totally love (read about it here and here).  I’ve exchanged tweets and/or Facebook messages and comments with these two totally awesome, mega-rich and greatly beloved people and if anyone asked me, I’d tell everyone all about those tiny few words we’ve shared. 

Because social media wants me to think they’re my best friends.  Social media wants me to believe that these interactions make me someone special to these people who are so much larger in life than little old me. 

But really, are SR and Jack telling their friends, “Oh my gosh, this chick Kayla from Illinois tweeted me and I totally wrote her back and now we’re best friends because I love her Facebook profile picture!”?  The answer is no.  I need to get some perspective.  (But really, if you’re my Facebook friend, I don’t know how you can’t LOVE my profile picture.)

Except the sad thing is that I’m totally addicted to social media for that exact reason: I think they’re my friends and I want to keep that connection alive. 

Today, I curse myself and whatever I must be thinking, setting myself up for a sad, empty life with no tweets and no notification on my Facebook homepage from these celebrities and important people.  I also curse myself for hoping that they’ll read this and remember that one time we were BFF because Facebook and Twitter brought us together for one magical moment, and I want us to hold hands and sit around the warm campfire of our shared interests once more. 

“It’s all so laughable,” the Devil reminds me, so that I never forget.  Curse him to Hell!

WAYT: Clothes on, mouth shut

Right now, it’s a tie for “Most Media Ignorant” between Mitt Romney and Kate Middleton. 

Yesterday, Mitt Romney was secretly recorded saying some rather unflattering things about the American public.  Last week, nearly all of Kate Middleton’s physical form was revealed in the tabloids. 

What are those two thinking? 

In our world today, did either of them really expect any level of privacy?  All the Republicans have done since Sarah Palin is complain about the “gotcha” media.  Did Mitt forget that there is never an “off” moment?  And did Kate learn nothing from the princes and princesses who came before her?  She really shouldn’t think that there’s any safe place to take off all her clothes.  If I were her, I’d worry about my own bedroom.

I certainly feel that Kate should be able to take a vacation and escape from the ever-present paparazzi.  But she can’t.  And I certainly feel that Mitt Romney should be able to confide with his people about his true feelings about the American electorate.  But there’s always some margin of risk, and they both know that. 

For these individuals, the revelations of these unguarded moments are ill-timed and unwelcome.  Kate is the new People’s Princess.  Mostly everyone loves her and is charmed by her low-maintenance and unassuming persona.  Mitt is trying to be our next president, so he wants everyone to like him and be charmed by his persona, whatever that may be. 

There definitely isn’t enough outrage over what Mitt said.  His comments are insulting.  But I have to say, I really don’t follow his logic.  If, according to him, nearly 1 in 2 Americans expect a hand-out and are so lazy and uninterested in life as we know it, does he really believe that those people vote?  We all have the right to vote, but of course not everyone does.  So Mitt, I find your statements to be false.  And rude.  The disenfranchised (whether by unemployment, injury, disability or yes, laziness) don’t expect to change their lives at the ballot box; they start at their local non-profit organizations or government offices.  If you don’t like that (who does?), give me a solution, not a dismissive one-liner.

There should be outrage over what happened to Kate, and I really think the media (who aren’t publishing the nude photos) is getting the tone about right.  Maybe you could see her nudity from the street – with a super-zoom camera lens – but that doesn’t mean you put it in a magazine like it’s a Playboy spread.  I guarantee that if Kate had seen that photographer, she would have been horribly mortified and had the person arrested immediately.  Now she’s had her entire body exposed to the world.  For any woman who isn’t an exhibitionist, and Kate certainly appears to prefer modesty, there is nothing worse than something like this.  I don’t blame her for pressing charges.  I find this to be a criminal invasion also.

(Maybe it’s seems hypocritical of me to approve of the media coverage of Prince Harry’s nudity but not Kate’s.  The difference here is that Harry was getting naked for a whole room full of people.  Kate was with her husband, in a private, secluded place.  Surely she intended for no one BUT William to see her.  I live for celebrity gossip and I didn’t even know she was on vacation.)

Even for me, who is basically no one in the grand scheme of the universe, little more than a tiny speck on the planet Earth, I expect no reasonable amount of privacy.  Facebook tracks my every move, my employer can read all of my emails even if I delete them or never send them, and my cell phone is constantly broadcasting my location.  No one, least of all those in the spotlight, should be surprised that everything they do is newsworthy, and blows up exponentially whenever it falls outside the lines. 

We live in a guarded time – one that makes us insular and ignorant.  It restricts us, and it’s making our society ugly.  Some of us stalk out princesses in order to show their goods to the entire world without their knowledge or permission.  Some of us set up presidential candidates to make unflattering, blanket statements about huge segments of our population on camera, and then share them anonymously with every news organization under the sun with the goal of discrediting the target.  That doesn’t make what Mitt said entirely wrong, or what Kate did entirely right.  But it should force us to look at ourselves through a magnified lens too. 

What are we thinking, that this is what we have become?  I, for one, am embarrassed for all of us. 

WAYT: Ryan Lochte is the worst party guest

I honestly don’t care that Prince Harry got naked in Vegas.  What I do care about, is that he would spend his free time with Ryan Lochte.  What are you thinking, Henry Charles Albert David?

Everyone knows that Harry is the cheeky prince.  Maybe I’d have to be British to be outraged that he was up to no good on his post-Olympics vacation.  Except that I’ve accepted Harry for who he is, so I’m just not surprised that he got caught again. 

Harry once made a real mistake, dressing up like a Nazi for Halloween.  (Harry really needs to get some better security who will sweep his playmates for recording devices.)  But this isn’t that big of a deal.  He went to Vegas, found some chicks who wanted to hang with him (me, me!), became inebriated, and took off his knickers.  I’ve been to Vegas and didn’t party like that, but we all know this is the type of thing that Vegas is meant for.

Everyone makes mistakes.  Everyone has lapses in judgment.  And at least no one is filing charges against him. 

In my opinion, the most egregious offense is that Harry would grant an audience to Ryan Lochte.  Sure, the guy is a decorated Olympian.  Sure, all of the American swimmers are nice to look at – I don’t know how you you could train as hard as they do and not become a drool-worthy physical specimen.  But the fact of the matter is, Ryan Lochte is obnoxious. 

A grill on the medal podium?  The catch phrase “Jeah”?  Allowing your mom to tell the morning news shows that you deal in one night stands?  This guy annoys me more than Justin Bieber.  I admire Lochte’s talent, but he’s a punk. 

Of course the media is blowing this whole story way out of proportion.  It’s not a violation of free speech for the monarchy to ask the press to leave the pictures of Harry off the front page.  I personally don’t need to see Harry’s crown jewels covered by a black dot.  That would be an exploitation of Harry, and in my opinion, a violation of his right to privacy.  When the Queen tells the press they had better not publish the pictures, that’s the message that I receive.  If you think that Harry meant for the whole world to see these pictures, I’m sure you’re wrong.    

The media is always on a witch hunt.  They always want to sensationalize beyond all reason, and they always want to tear everyone down to their lowest common denominator. 

I don’t find Harry to be a disgrace.  I find him to be remarkably honest in his youth and inexperience.  If anyone’s lived a sheltered life, I’m sure it’s him.  Sure, he’s met world leaders and fills a huge public role for Great Britain, but he’s still young, still a bachelor, and still one of the richest guys on the planet, surrounded by people who try to protect his interests because he’s not capable of doing it for himself all the time.  How sensible can you be when you live his life?  I wonder. 

Don’t you suppose that Harry feels pretty lonely and sad now?  There he was, having a great time and letting loose, and now he’s been exposed and ridiculed and it’s still not enough – the press and the public want more.  It’s actually disgusting that anyone would turn his Vegas trip into what it’s become. 

And while I’m preaching, for heaven’s sake Ryan Lochte, quit whoring yourself out for any promotional opportunity you can find.  What are you thinking?  You don’t need to be The Bachelor, you don’t need to copyright every stupid thought that ends up coming out of your mouth and you don’t need this much attention.  You are about to cross the line that Harry hasn’t.  Be content with your Wheaties box and leave us all alone for a while. 

P.S. I’ve been gone for a while due to site maintenance.  In case you were wondering…

WAYT: I've got the fever

I have a confession to make: I’m not always right.  (What am I thinking, admitting to being wrong?  My husband will undoubtedly print this out, frame it and wave it in my face at every available opportunity!)

Usually when I’m wrong, I like to be very hard-headed and take way too long to admit it.  So once and for all, I will just come out and say it.  I like Justin Bieber’s music. 

I have fought him off for years.  I find Bieber, as a person, to be absolutely obnoxious.  I do not believe that anyone his age should be getting up to some of his antics.  For example, should a 17 year old be on vacation in Hawaii with his then-19 year old girlfriend and be photographed with his tongue down her  throat?  Should a 17 year old be driving a car likened to the Batmobile?  Should a 17 year old be commenting about Canadian healthcare policies in entertainment news magazines?

And come on with that hair.  That used to be my biggest annoyance.  Thank the Lord he finally cut it. 

But dang if he doesn’t make catchy music!  And you know how I love music. 

I’ve been wrong about pop culture phenomena before.  I mercilessly mocked my sister for liking the movie Twilight.  And now look at me – my first website visit every day, after my email, is www.twifans.com.  I spent several hours of my life trying to figure out a way to trick my husband into giving our son a Twilight-related name.  Last November, I went to a Twilight movie marathon and watched nothing but Twilight movies for ten hours straight. 

Now, I just got back from my local Target store where I purchased an iTunes gift card so that I can buy the new Justin Bieber CD.  (For $14.99, this CD better validate my complete 180 on Bieber.)

I thought you could never make a Twi-Hard out of me.  I also swore you could never make a Belieber out of me.  What is the world coming to?  I’m supposed to be a grown woman!  I’m supposed to be growing more cultured with age!  Maybe I should start listening to 60’s music or something…

I blame it all on The New Kids on the Block.  If they hadn’t been the thing when I was in first grade, where would I be now? 

But I can’t deny it anymore.  Justin Bieber’s got the right stuff (see what I did there, NKOTB fans?) that makes me turn up the volume and sing along. 

What do you think of Justin Bieber?

WAYT: Kim's on notice

This column is so late to the Hate-Kim-Kardashian party, but it’s never too late to give an honest opinion.  Right?

Seriously, I want to hear from someone who isn’t sick of this fame whore.  Is there anyone out there?  But I also want to know, who even believes that she’s famous?  What has she done that is noteworthy?  Basically, she’s just like the other one percent of Americans with too much money and an overinflated sense of self and entitlement, except for some reason, she’s considered a celebrity. 

I used to respect Kim and even like her.  I used to think that she was a shrewd businesswoman, someone who found a way to get herself in the public eye and worked tirelessly to keep herself there.  But after she created that entire fiasco for Kris Humphries and left him in the smoking wreckage, I completely lost the respect that I had for her.  Now, I can’t even tolerate the sight of her. 

I love Khloe Kardashian.  She’s only marginally annoying and I believe that her life isn’t perfect because she never pretends that it is.  At least I feel like Khloe is always telling the truth.  Her show Khloe and Lamar shows her and her husband fighting over the things rich people fight about – how much of their money to give away to freeloading friends.  It’s a real revelation. 

But Kim?  She has tantrums over earrings lost in the ocean.  My son can’t throw a tantrum to rival Kim and her whining and crying, and he’s a year and a half.  You’d think he could compete but I promise you that he can’t.  Kim is always so overly made up and so overly dressed that her desperation is constantly in evidence.  And now this fling with Kanye?  If you liked her with Reggie Bush, you were on the right track.  If you felt sorry for Kris, you were dead right.  And if you truly hate her for dating Kanye, you are my best friend. 

(I must note, however, that I love Kanye’s music.  Full disclosure.)

Is there no low that she won’t sink to?  Suing Old Navy for hiring a model who resembled her?  Wow, get over yourself.  A clothing line at Sears?  I had no idea that Sears was worth shopping at unless you wanted a lawn mower.  And the things that I’ve heard were shown in that sex tape that made her “famous”… maybe the girl is honestly a few crayons short of the full box. 

I don’t even like Kris Humphries.  Everything about the guy screams, “Idiot!”  But he didn’t deserve to be chewed up and spit out the way he was.  Has Kim given a single reason why she duped – oops, I meant dumped – the guy?  No.  That’s because she found a guy with some money, but not too much money, who was dumb enough to start following her around and she ran with the opportunity until one day, when she woke up with the guy still in her face, she realized she took the whole game too far for even her own liking.  That’s not a reason.  That’s a game she had no right to play. 

So let me ask again, is there anyone who isn’t sick of this pseudo-celebrity?  What are you thinking every single time you see her smoky eyes, little black dresses and red-heeled stilettos?  I’m thinking, I wish all that eye makeup was toxic, just this once. 

WAYT: She's a fighter, we already know that

I had a thought this weekend and wanted to share it with you, my readers, to see what you think.  Do you believe that some entertainers have crossed over into a parody of themselves?  The example I came up with this weekend was actor Johnny Depp.  He used to be enigmatic, in all kinds of movie roles that kept you guessing.  Now, suddenly, he’s in almost exclusively Tim Burton films, he’s typically over-costumed and generally weird.  What’s up with that? 

I wonder about Christina Aguilera.  I was all set to write a stinging defense of her because I love her fiercely.  Maybe I still will.  Let’s talk through this.

I am obsessed with The Voice.  I had never watched it before this season but compared to American Idol, The Voice is leaps and bounds ahead of other reality TV singing competitions.  The contestants get to sing whatever they want so that they can repeatedly blow us away (no silly theme nights) and Carson Daly is so enthusiastic, you’d think it was his kids performing up there, and the coaches have such interesting banter that they’re a show all their own. 

Anyway, I grew up with Christina so my fondness for her was part of what brought me to the The Voice.  I remember my friends and me, before we were licensed and had nothing better to do, would call in to the radio station to request “Genie in a Bottle” over and over again.  I have owned all of her CDs since then.  She did innocent, bridged over into edgy, got a little skanky but cleaned it all up with that 1920’s pin-up album.  I don’t care what anyone says because, bottom line, you cannot deny her voice.  Truly, there’s no one better. 

Of course no one likes that she’s put on weight.  It really wouldn’t be such an issue for the public if she wasn’t still wearing the same clothes she wore when she was thinner.  For her performance last night on The Voice, for example, she could have worn actual shorts rather than glorified underwear, or even pants.  But no, she still wore the little tiny hot pants.  I thought she looked uncomfortable.  And she’s always SO made up.  Kudos for going glam but sometimes she needs to ask her makeup people to use a lighter hand!

You can’t fault the girl for having limitless self-esteem and self-assurance.  She knows that her voice is undeniable.  The rest should not matter.  And I would bet that’s her self-affirmation, every day when she looks in the mirror.  Cake on the makeup, shorten the shorts, who cares.  She can sing like no one else. 

But is Christina a parody of herself, clinging to this former notion of herself as a tiny, tiny person who can wear basically nothing?  Shouldn’t her style evolve?  She’s a mother, she’s divorced now.  Maybe her image should do a little growing up.  Is she a parody of herself, trying to go back to strictly pop albums as she did with her recent flop just before she started The Voice?  Should she do something more impactful?  Maybe she shouldn’t joke with Blake Shelton and his contestant Raelynn; maybe Christina should try a country album.  “Crossover” albums are all the rage these days!

Britney Spears fell right into the parody trap.  She kept on going, with her recording-studio-engineered voice and provocative pop performances in no clothes, and eventually, it all came crashing down on her.  She’s made a comeback of sorts, but it’s never going to succeed as long as she keeps trotting out the same old thing.  At some point, you have to try something different, do something that catches everyone’s attention once again.  And it’s not making out with Madonna on the VMAs.  That’s over.

And maybe no one likes Christina because she’s not afraid to give criticism on The Voice.  She’s not Paula Abdul or Jennifer Lopez, determined to be sunny no matter how bad the performance.  Sometimes she hesitates or rambles on before she gets down to brass tacks, but eventually she says exactly what she thinks.  Christina’s not afraid to give her genuine opinion without sugar-coating the truth.  Most people can’t handle a woman who tells it like it is; believe me, I would know. 

I think that Christina will find commercial success again.  I can’t wait to hear her next album.  When, WHEN will it be released finally??  But what do you think about Christina?  Do you think she’s a gorgeous face, a misguided wardrobe but a beautiful voice?  Do you think she’s skanky and you don’t care about anything else?